Hilly Kristal died a few days ago. Somehow it felt as if he'd always be around.

For thirty-odd years his smile was there for me, with friendly words and gleaming eyes...No matter how many weeks or months may have passed in between visits to CBGB's, when I saw Hilly, I knew I was home.

A lifetime has passed since I first walked into that infamous joint; I was all of 22. Television was on the stage, then Patti wailed from her soul; I never looked back.

EVERY night was spent there, for nowhere else would do. Soon, Hilly asked me to work for him.

On Tuesday we had Poetry Night, when remnants of the beat crowd tapped spoons on mugs of Irish Coffee when words onstage moved their soul. Those quiet evenings stood in vast contrast to the weekend scene that was starting to develop, nights when there were so many patrons coming to the club, the sidewalk outside became a scene in and of itself.

Monday was Showcase Night. This was always among my favorites, because on nights he chose to stay away, Hilly would ask me which bands to ask back. I loved that this giant of a man would value my opinion; so, I was especially proud when both The Cars & Cheap Trick started to get a buzz.

It was under Hilly's wings that I grew up, and, his friendship was deep enough that through the years he continued to take an interest in my life. He had the uncanny knack of making people feel special.

When he had to close the club, hope was not abandoned. As empty as it's felt these past eleven months, I always thought that Hilly would recover, open in a new Manhattan location, and, we'd start all over again, just as we did in the seventies. I even mused about working there again...the kids are grown, so I'd have no problem picking up where I left off so many years ago. It was a pleasant dream to hold onto.

When last I saw him--the night CBGB's closed, and, the Gallery party the following evening--even though he was not well, Hilly still had that coy smile when he spoke to me--the mischievous glint in his eye that made me feel as if there remained a special place for me within his heart. And, though I mourned those sad events of October--while looking forward to a new chapter at a new Manhattan location--his passing has a far more devastating aspect. Not only am I saddened, it's as if the universe has fashioned a gi-normous screw to puncture my CBGB--inflated soul, for I can't imagine my world without this most unique man. I mourn Hilly's passing as deeply as if he was my own flesh and blood...perhaps, even more than that. I feel orphaned, in so many ways. It seems as if part of me has been swept away with Hilly...into a vortex , curling, as the infinite meets an impossible finite ending.

When he called this May, concerned about my husband's illness, we never considered it would be our last conversation.

Even though some thirty years have passed since I first crossed the threshold of 315 Bowery, I am still the same girl who usually left that 'home away from home' well past dawn, feeling totally empowered from the charge it always afforded me. Although I rarely get to roam the East Village these days, I continue to walk in it's shadows--a lifetime of memories, with no regrets.

Now the universe has taken him from us. And, although that's not really how the plan was supposed to play out, he WILL forever be in our hearts and souls. Of all the people no longer with us, it is Hilly who will be most missed. He devoted his life to giving us a home; now it truly seems...

the end of an era.

Should someone open a new CBGB's, I know his essence will be there, even if (shudder) it turns out to be some corporate franchise. Would that scenario matter much? Well, perhaps not, for I doubt anything could separate Hilly Kristal from the world HE created.

Dear Hillel, I bow to your genius in listening to Verlaine & Hell, thus opening the doors to many a future. And, I thank you for what I gained through the years: lasting friendships, unending love, the laughter of my children, the thrill of performing on your stage--the essence of my very life.

With the utmost sincerity, I wish you Peace through Eternity...while looking forward to seeing you on the other side, should it exist.

Love & Misses,

Marsha Hodgson

1974-1979